Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Presents: NonCannonicals
by Miriflowers
Summary: Be afraid, be very afraid, for the magic mistletoe's back again in this sequel to WWW:MM! What will this desperate author do when she's robbed of most cannon couples and a source of many reviews? The results can be disastrous...non-cannon even... Parody
1. Chapter 1: Dobby and Winky

**HELLO, PEEPS! I'm BAAAAACK! XD Okay, okay, I'll stop now. I am so happy about the success of WWW:MM that I have decided to make a sequel for all you over-eager prat out there. XD Jk, without the Rowling. I was also wondering which pairing people want...hmm...XD Well, we KNOW that since this is completely humorous and not meant to be serious (Sirius, hehe, my puns about this never end, do they?) in the least. Right? Right. So you may suggest odd couples to poke fun at (and maybe some post cannon ones that are sweet, such as Lily/A-Scamander-Boy. XD) and I shall comply, because this is a PARODY! PARODY! PARODY! XD Should I say it one more time, or can I just leave it there? Nah. PARODY! XD Okay, that's enough. I shall be posting a list of possible couples at the bottom, so have fun! Also, this chapter is set during fourth year, when Winky comes in. :) Cheers!**

**Disclaimer: Holy Hippogriffs. IT'S FOLLOWING ME! Hide, hide, hide, hide, hi- Oh bugger it. Fine. I do not own HP, and neither am I JK Rowling. It Would be sad having JK for initials. Even worse than Sirius's name. XD**

Chapter 1: Dobby and Winky

After running from Cedric and checking on their stash of incriminating evidence (commonly known as photos of people snogging, but that was no fun, so incriminating evidence was CLEARLY a better name), Fred and George decided to nip out to the kitchens for a bite to eat. After dodging several teachers, Filch, and that blasted cat of his, they finally made it to the portrait of the pear.

"Oochy-goochy-goo!" Fred trilled as he tickled the pear. The pear gave an answering giggle and swung wide open, revealing the kitchens at night. Although it wasn't as grand as the kitchens during the day, the twins still agreed that the kitchens looked good ANY time. ...especially when food was involved.

"Hello, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley, what can Dobby get you?" asked the obediant little midget/house elf. Fred and George pondered this thought for a minute, then ordered all the leftovers from the Gryffindoor table (couldn't have themselves getting contaminated with other houses now, could they?).

"Yes, sirs. Coming right up, sirs." Dobby said, bowing twice then scurrying into the kitchen. Suddenly, the twins heard hiccuping not that unlike the Fat Lady's coming from a nearby corner. They turned around slowly and methodically to build up tension. Needless to say, after that much build-up, a hiccuping elf high on Butterbeer counts as anti-climatic.

"Hello! Who's this?" asked Fred, looking down at the tearful house elf. Dobby scurried back and explained all about Winky while she bawled about her old master.

"Well that's...er..." Fred started to say, but was at a loss for words.

"Slightly revolting and highly disappointing." George finished for him, blinking to get rid of the shock and/or revulsion.

"What is master doing without Winky? What shall he do?" bawled Winky, and the twins winced in unison.

"That's really sad. And I know it sounds OOC, but...Hermione might be, the slightest bit, mind, but...she might actually be right!" Fred said, clutching his hair in shock. George passed out. The elf carrying the tray squeaked when she saw George's fallen form, and then wailed in shock.

"Who has harmed the young master? Dobby, what have you done?" cried she, setting the tray to the side and crouching over George's body. Fred, who had finally come to his senses, pulled out his wand and woke him up.

"Ugh...nasty...thoughts...retching...praying to the bloody porcelain god..._spew-ing_..." George stopped and shivered in shock.

"Blimey. You're thinking about Hermione's bloody_ organization_? This has REALLY gotten out of hand." Fred said, shaking his head, then yanking George up unceremoniously.

"C'mon, mate, let's eat. maybe it'll get our minds off nasty, evil things like spew." Fred continued, picking up the tray the house elf had put to the side and walking over to a nearby table.

"Thanks." George told the small elf, then scurried over to Fred. After eating a veritable feast and planning until their brains almost exploded (which had been known to happen in such cases as this), they noticed that it was past midnight.

"Bugger. After one of the most mistletoe-filled days in our lives we have to go to sleep. _Perfect._" Fred sighed as he stood up and stretched and something fell out of his pocket. The twins then left...or did they?

Meanwhile, Dobby, who was cleaning up after the twins, accidentally stepped on something. Dobby looked down curiously at the bottom of his foot, and there was a strange clipping of a plant...

"Winky? Do you know what this is?" asked Dobby, holding up the said piece of greenery. Winky hiccuped and looked blearily at what he held over their heads. Slowly, her eyes widened and she stuttered.

"Come on, Dobby, you know what this is, surely!" said Fred, sniggering as he stepped out of the shadows. George wasn't far behind.

"Yeah, everyone knows that it's mistletoe!" George chirped, grinning at the shocked face of the house elf. Fred shook his head at his anti-climatic twin.

"D-Dobby has heard of it, sir." Dobby stuttered out, then looked at Winky. Suddenly, in a drunken fit of courage, Winky leaped up and started to snog the snot out of Dobby.

**Dobby's P.O.V.**

Dobby is very shocked,, so Dobby shall refer to himself in third person. Mmm, Dobby likes.

**Winky's P.O.V.**

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, mmm...this is better than Butterbeer! Huh, alliteration...Moaning Myrtle minds the mugwumps on Monday... This is fun!

**No one's P.O.V.**

The twins shivered in repulsion as Fred took the picture.

_Snap!_

The previously occupied house elves extracted themselves from each other, and looked up at the Fred and George oddly. Fred looked at George encouragingly, and he seemed to get the drift. But, as the George that we know and have come to love, did he understand? If you answered "A) Yes, indeed" than you're barmy.

"Nice to see that you're getting along, then. Ta-ta!" George said as he took the mistletoe and sashayed out of the room. Fred shook his head yet again at his brother. Someone was going to the Corner of Badness tonight, and it wasn't going to be him in the time-out seat.

**XD Sorry for the randomness, but PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! Oh yeah, and vote for couples on my profile as well, or tell me IN YOUR REVIEW! XD Hope you liked it, and thanks again!**

**-Miriflowers**


	2. Chapter 2: Trelawney and The Giant Squid

**HELLO PEEPS! Sorry for the wait, but I have no inspiration, so BuzzCat wrote this one. :} Then I put a bit more in. XD Stupid me, I know, I know. Also, thanks for the ten reviews! I shall now post a list of the awesoe people who reviewed:**

**Dimcairien (THANK YOU SO MUCH! You were the first reviewer, which immediately = kudos. :} not to mention the fact that your review was significantly ego-boosting. XD)**

**BuzzCat (Thank you, O-Co-Writer/Beta/mind-twin/Bestie. XD And I'm about to post a list at the bottom of this chapter, 'kay? Okay.)**

**ASTRIDINES (Do you ever stop reviewing! THANK YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH AND BACK! You are just so buggering awesome, I can't even BEGIN to tell you how awesome you are. Yeah, that's right. FEEL THE KUDOS! XD)**

**housefreak13 (XD Mate, how would I live without you? You are just so...so...EFFING AWESOME! :} Heh. I'll stop now)**

**Harry Potter (First off, thanks for reviewing! And I can't believe I missed the Gryffindor thing! GAH! Stupid me. Anyways, the 'spew' fiasco was actually on purpose, because Ron calls it that, and doesn't pronounce the letters individually, so I thought that the twins would as well. And thank you infinitely for your glowing praise! Your review really made my day. I look forward to hearing from you soon!)**

**TheWitchOfTheSouth (THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING! Oh yes, and I was thinking of posting maybe a little bonus thing at the end of WWW:MM, so maybe I could use Lucius/Narcissa then, eh? PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU'LL ALLOW ME!)**

**Gunther123 (Aww, thanks mate! And I'm thinking about the Tonks/Charlie thing now...it's really against what I think, but...Tonks is awesome, and Charlie is too, and I just read a fic with a bit in in lately...AHHH! We'll see...)**

**13dramaqueen13 (You're really cool for reviewing almost all of my stories! how do you find the time for all my rambles? XD I don't even want to know...thanks again!)**

**sarah (Thank you! I really appreciate it!)**

**Starkiller (You can't know how much you reviewing means to me. Really, when I first saw your reviews, I had to calm down my heart attack and step out of the room for a moment so as not to glomp the screen. XD It realy does wonders when your favorite author reviews your story. :} Thanks again, mate.)**

**ON WITH OUR (BuzzCat and my) MADNESS! Oh yes, and Buzz says that she's sorry for the Producers reference, and that gay guys were just too funny to leave out of a moment like that. XD I for one agree.**

**Disclaimer: Heh. Yeah...about that. *yanks at collar* I'm not EXACTLY...that it to say...I don't COMPLETELY own... ARGH! I'M NOT JK! Phew.**

Chapter 2: Trelawney and The Giant Squid

Sybil Trelawney sighed as she walked down the corridor. It had been a long day, and her fourth years had been especially trying. That Harry Potter…he was so stubborn. Why could he not see his tragic fate, accept it, and die quite soon? She didn't need it coming to light that she did a significant amount of guessing in her 'predictions'.

Sybil walked down the hall and out into the green. It was late, so she had nothing to fear from venturing outside the castle's walls. It wasn't as if there was any chance any students could be running around.

Ignorant little fraud.

Fred and George 'Bad-arse' and 'Kick-arse' (respectively) Weasley snickered behind the willow tree the Golden Trio commandeered during daylight hours. During one of their numerous detentions with Minerva McGonagall, George had had a stroke…OF GENIUS!

In his genious-ity (referred to by others as 'BOREDOM'), he had a sudden vision. T.N.V.L. had yielded its results with minimal verbal scheming, and now here they were. Time to put Operation Scar-Twins-For-Life into action.

Fred threw the Instant Peruvian Darkness Powder around his ex-Divination teacher. Sybil blinked her eyes and screamed, throwing herself to the ground.

"The Third Eye! It truly rules my mind! I am One with It!" Trelawney said, in a creepy, passion-filled voice. Fred and George rolled their eyes in synchronization, and dragged her screaming form to the lake. Fred whispered in George's ear,

"Can't we just throw her in and be done with it?" Fred asked George while wispering. George contemplated this thought for a moment (apparenty deep in thought himself, ha, ha).

"Nah. They'd find the body, and our names would be all over it." george said, shaking his head in apparent sorrow.

"Damn. Oh well. Back to Operation ST4L." Fred said after a moment of silence in honor of the ill-fated idea that was so very appealing.

Now Sybil, who had slowly been quieting on the ground at their feet, heard none of this exchange. Now in her silence, she waited for her ancestors who had gone to the One to speak to her. She didn't have to wait long.

"Mmmmmhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm…" came an erie groan.

"Oh my. Is that you, Great Aunt Cassandra?" she said, smiling.

"Nnhhhmmmmmmmm…"

"Ah yes, I know! Uncle Brommenite!" Trelawney said after a moment, in apparent realization.

"Nnhhhmmmmmmmm…" groaned the erie voice once more.

Sybil gasped. She still could not see through the Darkness Powder, but she still reached her hands out in front of her. She touched something warm. Sybil pushed herself up, and hugged the warm body.

"I know now. You are the One. And you have called upon I, your most faithful servant, to impart the future to those that are not blessed with the Sight! Tell me, my love. Tell me what I must say. Guide me." Sybil said, shutting her eyes tightly, and squeezing the One in an almighty hug. Meanwhile, Fred and George were silently rolling on the ground at Sybil's antics.

"She honestly believes that rubbish? I thought she was doing it just to piss McGonagall off!" George exclaimed, and they once again dissolved into silent laughter and rolling on the ground. When Fred rolled onto his back and felt something hard in his back pocket, he suddenly remembered the goal of that night. After poking and prodding at George until he stopped moving and was ready to watch, Fred waved his wand, and brought the mistletoe to rest above Sybil and her new lover. He grinned. Perhaps it was the power of the mistletoe or perhaps, Sybil was just that stupid, but whatever the case, Sybil was soon snogging the brains out of her lover.

**Sybil's P.O.V.**

Hm…not that bad…his lips are horridly mushy, but such a strong connection he makes using them…oh shut it…why did I not see this coming? Oh, the One must have wanted to surprise me…so strong is he…

**Mystery Man's P.O.V.**

Mhm…yerm…

**No One's P.O.V.**

Fred shivered while George retched. However, once they stopped freaking out…

_SNAP!_

In the light of the flash, Sybil's half-closed eyes caught a glimpse of her lover. She broke all contact, and screamed. The Giant Squid seemed disappointed at the loss of Sybil as she stumbled backward. In her terror, she failed to notice the laughing twins running off to the castle. The Squid made a sad "Mrm…" and slowly retreated back into the lake. Sybil smacked herself across the forehead, and stomped off to the castle in a huff, muttering under her breath, "…stupid sherry…really must stop…have to clear my Inner Eye…"

**XD I must say that Buzzy really did out-do herself on this one. Also, just as promised, here is the unfinished draft of the chapter list**

**1. Dobby and Winky**

**2. Trelawney and The Giant Squid**

**3. Hagrid and Madam Maxime (heh...you gotta do this one...it's just too odd not to pass up. XD Hagrid needs love too.)**

**4. Lily Luna/Lysander (sorry to everyone who voted for lily Luna/Lorcan, but people seemed to like this one more. :} I personally have no preference, so ON WITH IT!)**

**5. Hugo and Alice Longbottom II (Surprisingly, people liked my suggestion so much that it's tied with Lily Luna/Lysander for second place. Right behind Dumbles/Minnie. XD)**

**6. Tonks and Charlie (OKAY! FINE! I GIVE UP! ...but only this one, okay? You just got to me because Tonks is my favorite character...but NO ONE ELSE other than Ron shall be paired with Hermione...EVER! I am a fervent Romione shipper since the second book, and NO ONE shall stop me. Ever. -.-)**

**7. Dumbledore and McGonagall (It's the finale, so DO NOT KILL! I DON'T LIKE BEING MURDERED!)**

**8. Any other suggestions? REVIEW! XD Thanks.**

**-Miriflowers**


	3. Chapter 3: Fred and Rickie OC

**Okay, so I know I said that I'd do Hagrid/Madame Maxime this chapter, but I have no inspiration for them, plus I set up a poll on my profile and people said they wanted this, so...here we are! Plus I had this scene playing in my head for three hours stright. ^^; Oi vey. Anyways, here some history on Rickie; PLEASE READ! THIS IS A VERY NICE BACKGROUND, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF! AND I DO, SO READ IT;**

**Rickie was born during the first wizarding war, when her parents and older brother were killed. She was then sent to a wizarding orphanage and was then kicked out right before school started for pranking her arch nemesis and moved in with the Weasleys for the week before school started. She was then sorted into Ravenclaw and became a social outcast with no friends (this is sounding like Hermione, but please bear with me) until she decided to prank the giant squid with nearly fatal results (re-runs, I know, sorry). However, on the bright side, the twins were now her best friends (just like the golden trio, sorry, but it gets better). Also, Rickie finds out that instead of the half-blood she loved being, she is actually a bloody pure-blood (XD her words, not mine) and it doesn't make it any better that Marcus Flint asked her to come over to the dark side a couple of days after the news broke out. His nose hasn't been right since.**

**So when school lets out and the Weasleys send her back to the orphanage on her request (she feels guilty about being a burden), she's promptly thrown back onto the street, where she finds a job at a potions shop. There she works for barely any pay and her keep with tweleve hours a day of extensive potion making (not her favorite subject) until school starts, and that's also when she figures out that she had an account in Gringotts and that all that work was for nothing. Hence a few days of angst, then back to being like the third twin. This is the last year for Tonks (Rickie's idol) and Charlie (who's like her highly annoying older brother who doesn't even notice she's there half the time), and after even more angst (don't worry, folks, she's not turning into Harry), she finally comes to terms with that fact. Also, during this time Fred and George start witht he quidditch team, and Rickie and Fred's relationship starts to kindle (no squees yet; there's a long road in front of thm). School lets out, and she decides to go back to the potion shop just for the heck of it (she began to feel attachment to the old grump of a store manager and potion making), where the Weasleys find her while shopping for supplies. After the initial shock (Mrs. Weasley looks about to go into a coma. XD) and the threats to bring her to the burrow for good, she spills her reasons for leaving the burrow and for staying. Then, Mrs. Weasley does the whole glomp-the-breath-out-of-you thing, and all is forgiven (although Fred and george are rather oddly curious about it for a while afterwards until Rickie tells them where to shove their curiosity).**

**Third year not much happens other than the golden trio's first year and the tension between Fred and Rickie heating up (squee).**

**This is set during fourth year, when Ginny and Luna enter the picture (Luna becomes Rickie's pal and Ginny follows her around about a quarter of the time). Also, after this (by about two months) Fred and Rickie's relationship REALLY gets going. ^.^ Mwahahaha...**

**Thanks for reading this brief synopsis, and I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own. Actually...now that I think of it...I do own Rickie! ^.^ Hehe! What a joyous occasion it is!**

Chapter 3: Fred and Rickie (OC)

"YAAARRGGH! WHY THE BACK? GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" Rickie bellowed, running around while reaching up the back of her shirt to get out the snow. Meanwhile, the twins hung back and sniggered quietly. George, the previous cuprit, jerked his head at Fred, who grinned and nodded. He then began to silently sneak up on Rickie, who had stopped to catch her breath and try to get out more snow. Rickie suddeny froze, her ears perking up at the silence (because that never happened when you were around the twins, unless they were carrying out a scheme), and Fred did likewise. Slowly, Rickie began to turn around, and Fred decided that it might as well be now or never.

"WHAZA!" he exclaimed, as he pounced. Rickie, however, wasn't having any of his nonsense, and sidestepped him. Fred made contact with a nearby snow drift, and Rickie felt the satisfaction of a prank well averted.

"Whaza? And you have the gall to make fun of me for AIIIEEWAGA? You _really_ need to work on your battle cry as well, Fred." Rickie tutted, and George sniggered in the background (although he really shouldn't have, as his battle cry was a roar of demented laughter punctuated by exclamations of random food articles).

"Eugh. Why'd you have to do that? You made the plan go all wonky!" Fred whined, extracating himself from the snow drift and brushing off his coat and such. Rickie couldn't help what happened next; it was so obvious.

"Oh, look how smart you've grown! You actually guessed why I did it before I had to explain it all to you. AGAIN." Rickie said, spreading out her arms and smiling in an antagonistic way. Fred was not amused. Four hours later, after they had all tired of the chase, they went inside to their respective common rooms to freshen uo before the annual Christmas J.O.K.E. fest. What...you don't know what that is? Dear Merlin, who had been depriving you of all this twinny goodness? Fine. For all those poor, deprived and depraved children out there, J.O.K.E. (Jesting Or Kidding Extravaganza) was something that the twins and Rickie came up with during first year potions class with the Slytherins (may they burn in their selected slots in hell forever). It had only one rule; The last one sane wins. See, J.O.K.E. was a time to make your friends go nutters via the oddest, raunchiest and most annoying jokes out there. However, if you asked the twins, it was just a bit of innocent fun. My advice? Don't listen to theirs.

"Come_ on_, George. HURRY IT UP ALREADY!" Fred called to the bathroom stall from his place by the door. George promptly flung the door open and crashed to the floor wearing nothing but a towel. Fred raised an eyebrow and looked at his twin a shade sarcastically. George then sprung up again and proceeded to get dressed. Right in front of him.

"Oi! Have some respect! I don't really need to see my mirror image naked, thanks very much! My sanity values your censorship!" Fred said, covering his eyes and shivering in disgust. George cackled while he finished dressing and then flung the door wide open. Fred took this as a cue to take his hands off his eyes and follow his twin. He was correct.

"You're going to lose the race, you bleeding idiot!" called George form the bottom of the stairs. Fred shrugged and hopped on the banister.

Meanwhile, Rickie was just finishing her shower. She had a little trouble with the blasted pipes freezing over (they did that occasionally), as they did that when not often used. Not that she didn't take them every day, or anything, but it was just a case of there not being around three other girls in the dorm as well. After she had gotten out and ready, she went down to the common room to find the twins waiting for her. This was odd. She didn't know that the twins had enough combined brain power to power a muggle light bulb, much less figure out the confusing entry riddle. Then Luna stepped out from behind them, and all was understood.

"'Lo! You joining us, Lu?" SHe asked, sending a careless smile in their direction as she slid down the banister. She nodded, and we proceeded to walk to the Gryffindor common room (where Lee was most likely waiting for us and shooing helpless first years away from the good seats by the fire. Lee was just caring like that). Halfway there, however, George asked Luna if she had seen the nargle infested mistletoe a few feet back, and she had asked for him to show her, so he had obliged. They still weren't back yet, so Fred and Rickie were now leaning against opposite walls out of boredom and throwing made-up obsenities back and forth for the fun of it.

"Flumpkin."

"Ninny-nonny eater."

"Trunk walloping nargle blaster."

"Jumdalpiganator."

"Sozalwhopper."

"Kaniniger."

"Bomomo buggerer."

"For shame! You used the word buggerer; I win!" Rickie said, effectively ending the competition. Fred cursed all the Bomomos that had buggered his chances at winning the J.O.K.E. warm-up.

Meanwhile, Luna motioned for George to get on with the levitation already; she had money on this, after all. George rolled his eyes and agreed.

Rickie suddenly stopped chanting rude victory rhymes (doubtlessly stolen from Peeves) and looked up. Puzzled, Fred looked up as well. Now THIS was humiliating; being trapped by your own invention. Rickie shrugged and went for it; she was just that anti-climatic.

**Fred's P.O.V.**

Wow. Didn't see that one coming. But then again, I didn't see that bludger that one time either... Mmm...quidditch thoughts can wait until tomorrow; I'm busy! Mwahahaha...

**Rickie's P.O.V.**

Heh. Maybe Mrs. Weasley was right. Mmm...yes, I do rather think that I like Fred after all.

**No one's P.O.V.**

Luna sighed dreamily as George took out the camera.

_Snap!_

George looked down at the camera in horror. Damnable flash. Luna, who finally seemed to have been woken out of her trance, looked down and her already-large eyes got bigger. Dinner plates was not the word.

"GEORGE!" came the unified battle cry (not WHAZA or AIIEEWAGA this time) of Fred and Rickie. George shrugged semi-apologetically and he didn't have to drag Luna after him as he ran for his life. Luna, he thought vaguely, could really try out for a muggle track team.

**XD I am EVIL! Mwahaha...sorry if some of you are disappointed, but I shall now be posting random selections of chapters (except for Dumbles/Minnie; they're still last. ^^; Sorry) from the list of remaining chapter choices below. Oh yes, and a big thank you to BuzzCat (my beta and head of the newly formed Awesome Department for plugging WWW:MM). Here's the list!**

**Hagrid and Madam Maxime **

**Lily Luna/Lysander**

**Hugo and Alice Longbottom II**

**Tonks and Charlie**

**Dumbledore and McGonagall**

**Arnold the Pygmy Puff and Dustbunny**

**Dudley and Eloise Midgen**

**Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge**

**Sorry that these shan't be in order, folks, but my muse has been giving me hell lately. Ugh. Cheers for the reviews that you shall now leave me with! XD**

**-Miriflowers**


	4. Chapter 4: Arnold and Dustbunny

**Okay, so from out of depression mode, I'm about to write my arse off for more reviews, since you guys haven't seen fit to grace me with very many. Tell your friends, enemies, I don't care, but it I don't get ten reviews or more for this chapter, I'm deleting. I'm not below doing that, either. THIS IS NOT A THREAT TO BE IDLY THROWN ASIDE! I don't care if you review anonymously or whatnot, but I'm just saying; deleting is eminent for those who refuse to review. You hath been warned.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything 'capt a bottle of imaginary Firewhiskey. *burps* Ahh, sweet drink. XD**

Chapter 4: Arnold the Pygmy Puff and Dustbunny

It must be known, after this, that you should always keep the magic mistletoe in a LOCKED box. Really. This is IMPERATIVE. Why? Well...let's just put it like this...

Line.

Fred and George hadn't cleaned the house in months. And yes, that was plural. Now before you get all huffy and scold-y on them, you must know that a business in very time consuming...and that they were lazy anyways, so who really cares? That's why one day, the twins had to thank their lucky stars that the said fluff ball-like little buggers bred like rabbits. Only worse; they bred like _Weasleys_. And don't quote them on that, either. Mum would have a field day.

"George? Have you seen the magic mistletoe anywhere, perchance?" Fred asked, his head popping around the corner and looking inquiringly at his twin. George shrugged and went back to demolishing the kitchen while gleefully humming "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs" under his breath. Fred only had a problem with one thing. The apron.

"'Skip the kiss and just shag the cook'?" asked Fred, dubiously eyeing George's neon pink apron. George tossed him a careless grin and went back to hacking furiously at the rutabagas. Fred shrugged and went to scour the sitting room, leaving George to his strange concoction (Who used rutabagas, anyways? I mean, come on. _Rutabagas_?).

After checking behind the drapes, around the side table, attacking the closet, and eyeing the ceiling curiously, Fred's line of sight finally fell on the sofa. He shivered with fear, then began to inch towards it. _Slowly_. Finally, when he reached the cursed item of furniture, he crouched down and took a peek. He reeled back (in a manly way, of course) at what he saw. It was a Pygmy Puff, a monster-sized dustbunny and the magic mistletoe. Merlin help us all.

"George! You might want to take a look at this." Fred called, his voice quavering the slightest bit.

"SOD OFF! I'M MAKING SUPPER!" George yelled straight back, and Fred glared at the wall hiding his twin from sight. If it had been able to do so, the wall would have shivered in apprehension.

"Now, George." Fred said, his voice flattening out to a threatening tone. The chopping noises paused in the kitchen, and the next moment George poked his head in the door.

"Yeah? I'm a little busy here, Fred; the rutabagas are giving me a spot of trouble." George groused, adjusting his grip on the cleaver in his hands. Fred raised a speculative eyebrow and told him what he'd seen. George's face drained itself of color, and he began to stutter.

"W-what d'you MEAN a pygmy puff's got to get it on with a bleeding dustbunny because they're under the mistletoe and we wouldn't be able to use it again if they didn't? Is it even _possible _for a Pygmy Puff to snog?" George asked, his face contorting into what would've been an amusing shape if it hadn't been for the circumstances.

"Well, if ANY living thing is caught under the mistletoe, than it technically has to snog something to get out." Fred said, then had a light bulb moment. Funny things, those.

"I know! We could give it a bit of encouragement!" Fred exclaimed, and immediately bent down again to look at the three small things (out of many) under the couch. However, when Fred urged the little Pygmy Puff on with a helpful nudge, the ickle thing glared at him. Can they really do that, you ask...well, keep in mind that they could FLY under my jurisdiction.

"Go on, then. Think of the mound of..._fluff_...in front of you is your missus back in your pen. Go on, then!" Fred said, nudging it a bit more. The Pygmy Puff looked as though it would've shrugged for a moment (if it had shoulders) and bent on its imaginary knees towards the ball of fluff.

**Arnold's P.O.V.**

Wizzle wazzle! Wip weeky topli...lumm...zeeky ting blong.

**Dustbunny's P.O.V.**

...

**No one's P.O.V.**

George shrugged and whipped out the camera out of his back pocket.

_Snap!_

The Pygmy Puff looked up irritably and gave the twins a furry finger. Fred just shrugged and snatched both the mistletoe and the irritable Pygmy Puff out from under the couch.

"You're going back to your pen, you cheeky devil." Fred said, wincing when it bit him. George sniggered and went back to his mess int he kitchen while Fred went to put the little monster away.

"Cheers, you ickle arsehole." Fred muttered as he shoved the Pygmy Puff into his pen. The Pygmy Puff shrugged and went back to producing merchandise.

**XD Mind that Arnold was not named yet; Ginny had yet to get him (for the sake of the argument, let's just say that she picked him up the next day). Also, sorry for the shortness of the chappie; I have mounds of homework to attend to. Cheers!**

**-Miriflowers**


	5. Chapter 5: Dudley and Eloise Midgen

**I'm soooo sorry for the late update, guys; school's a **. Also, this chapter is the only one that doesn't take place during the Christmas season. This one's at the end of thrid year. terribly sorry, but this scene just popped into my head. XD So without further ado; on to the next chapter before I'm eaten alive!**

**Disclaimer: Maybe in an Alternate Universe, but not in this one. Bugger.**

Chapter 5: Dudley and Eloise Midgen

Torture, thought the twins (in unison, via T.N.V.L.) as they hopped off the train and began striding purposefully towards the lumps of people who looked like the Dursleys (based on their encounter with Vernon right before their fourth year, they had identified Mr. Dursley as such and deemed that therefore, the imperious people beside him must be his wife and child. In simple terms, they'd figured out that the really ugly people were actually the Dursleys).

"Come here, popkin. You have something on your cheek." what they supposed was Mrs. Dursley said, although it could've just been a giraffe without its spots. Dudly tried to escape the grasp of the long-necked figure, but due to obvous reasons, he didn't get far.

Meanwhile, the twins saw Eloise Midgen walking down from the Hogwarts Express, and the plan was formed. Midgen leaned against a pillar and looked (among other things, namely ugly) like she was waiting for her parents.

"Got the camera?" Fred asked George, whispering out of the corner of his mouth. George grinned.

"Do I ever actualy LEAVE the camera?" George asked in return.

"Well, there was that one time when I brought i-..." Fred trailed off at the murderous look on George's face. He guessed not.

Now, it was time for the set up (getting the two victi-...ahem..._subjects_ in the same place). So naturally, the twins had a plan. It was simple as treacle tart; candy.

The twins walked past the Dursleys inconspicuously (although they did attract an odd look from Mr. Dursley until he paled and turned away quickly), then a few seconds later (Midgen was feet away) dropped simple peices of candy from their pockets (they only got the idea for Skiving Snackboxes later...although this did contribute).

Dudley's eyes bugged out, and the moment the twins were past, and lept on the candy. The Dursleys made no move to stop him. Midgen looked down at him in a semi-disgusted way, and then looked anywhere else. You would too if you were close enough to document the eating habits of pot-bellied pigs.

The twins grinned as they levitated the mistletoe up above the two beings to be tortured. Midgen and Dudley looked up. Midgen figured that it was probably the best chance that she'd get, considering...

**Dudley's P.O.V.**

Uh...what? Hey...she tastes like candy! Mmm...

**Elosie's P.O.V.**

Eugh, this is disgusting! Hey...he tastes like candy! I wonder if he hasn't swalowed...eugh...

**No one's P.O.V.**

George shook his head while turning green, and thrust the camera into Fred's hand, then ran for the loo. Fred shrugged and took the picture.

_Snap!_

Dudley and Eloise looked up, then quickly stepped away from one another. Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were looking very sick indeed. Fred didn't blame them, and got the mistletoe and himself away from the scene of the crime for an occupation similar to that of George's. That was dead _nasty_.

**XD Okay, I get it. It's short, it's bad, it's late, but I have nothing else for this. It was just a funny little bit. I am sorry, but I hope that you lot like it. Cheers!**

**-Miriflowers**


	6. Chapter 6: Umbridge and Fudge

**I. Am. REALLY. Sorry. School is absolute hell. Remind me not to take so many AP courses next time. XD Anyways, as this is quickly turning into a bi-weekly updated fic, I'm making it official. No longer will this be 'a week, or just over' updating. Bi-weekly. Sorry, mates, but my life is absolute hell right now. You're welcome to send me hate mail, but I'd prefer reviews to not deride my mental capacity for writing. There's enough of that going on already. . Cheers, anyway!**

**Disclaimer: I own HP just as much as satan does. *whispers* Effing right wing nut jobs.**

Chapter 6: Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge

It all started with the lobby in the ministry of magic, a scowling old lady, and a crotchety old cat.

"No, Mr. Tibbles! No piddling in the fountain!" cried the old lady, grabbing Mr. Tibbles from the fountain and placing him on the cold floor. Mr. Tibbles was not amused.

Meanwhile, from his post at watch, George sniggered with glee. He was lucky to have won the game that they'd decided on. He REALLY didn't want to be Polyjuice-d into an old lady. Or have to hold Crookshanks for more than two seconds. The old lady flipped him off (attracting a few odd looks) and went about her way. George went back to his (completely disgusting) _Daily Prophet_and hiding behind a rather fake and large Christmas tree.

Just as Fred was adjusting his dress (HOUSECOAT) and walking to some nearby stairs, he caught a bit of luck (sounds like it's a disease, doesn't it? ...can't blame you for thinking that, really). There were two ripe for the picking candidates for the magic mistletoe's next victi...er...participants standing before the very same stair that he aimed to use.

"Do you really think I could do it, Cornelius?" the (technically) female being asked. She adjusted her revoltingly pink dress.

"Better than the other crackpots trying to get in, I dare say, Dolores." he responded curtly, and they both shared a stinted laugh. Ruddy uptight pricks. Honestly; how insufferable could they get? Oh, sorry; forgot for a minute there. Great (sarcasm). Fred had enough of it, finally, after listening to their almost (haha, no) witty banter, and obsessive tastes. Mistletoe was going to be used quickly, as to save his brain cells from destruction.

"What's that little thing?" asked Umbridge, pointing at the writhing plant above them. Fudge didn't need to remind her, however, as Umridge seemed to remember (Christmas miracle, that was). So swept Fudge up into a disgusting...activity generally refered to as 'snogging.'

**Umbridge's P.O.V.**

I'm locked in a romantic embrace with the object of my affections! I think I might've read that somewhere, but...mmm...literary analysis and listing of sources must come at a later point. SNOGGY TIME!

Fudge's P.O.V.

I wonder if having a romantic entanglement is one of the 'no-no's' in the ministry handbook. Nah, couldn't be...and anyways, I'll just blame it on her! And get some action out of the bargain! I'm a genius, yes, thank you...mmm...action.

**No one's P.O.V.**

"No. Just no. That is it! I refuse to watch disgusting couples snog ANY LONGER! I resign." Fred cried, throwing down Crookshanks (who let out a squeal of protest) and summoning back the mistletoe. He didn't even bother with the picture; no amount of blackmail money could justify this. That's when the couple noticed they were being watched, Fred left in a huff with Crookshanks trailing indignantly after him, and George sniggered in the corner having gotten the blackmail material. Having a back-up camera was ruddy brilliant.

**I'm tired. It's not good, I know. Sue me tomorrow when I can protest before you throw me in jail. TIIIIIRRREEEEDDDD!**

**-Miriflowerzzzzzzzz...**


	7. Chapter 7: Tonks and Charlie

**I have now officially started this chapter seven times, cursed myself for fussiness all of the said times, and apologized profusely for the lack of updates in all of the aforementioned written author's notes. I am now tired of apologizing profusely, and will summarize; I am really sorry. Please do not kill me. Thank you.**

**-And that is why I deleted all the other ones. Cheers, oh ye people who have most likely forgotten all ab out me (I do not blame you. At all. Serio-okay, I'm going to stop being so apologetic. Really. Someday...)**

**Disclaimer: J. K. has the decency to update. T.T I am now emo.**

**Chapter 7: Tonks and Charlie**

"Why is it always Hufflepuff?" Tonks asked flatly as the Gryffindor team began to hoist Yet Another Weasley up in the air. She couldn't even remember the bloke's name, and he was better at quidditch than her. That's the thing with Weasleys; they were all freakishly talented. Except for Ron.

"I suppose it's either the complete discrimination towards the less-mentioned house, or that we're not really good at anything. Now that I reconsider, it's probably just all of the above," the captain mused, then went to try to drown himself in the showers. Tristan Wood was very sardonic sometimes, Tonks thought, watching him go with wide eyes.

"We're good finders!" called another team mate, beginning to run after the captain, but Tonks held him back and shook her head.

"He will always be this negative and sarcastic, John. Let's just hope he gets out of the hospital wing before our next game against Ravenclaw, which we'll probably loose anyways due to our complete ineptitude," Tonks intoned. John's face fell, and it was understandable, for it's not so easy being a Hufflepuff.

The Hufflepuff quidditch team then hit the showers in shame, while the Gryffindors went off to their common room for an all-night (yet very smelly) party. It was then, just as she had finished changing, that Tonk's hair faded to its natural mousy brown in shame. As she left the changing rooms, team mates looked at her in awe (except for Wood and the two team mates trying to convince him that life was worth living without winning). She didn't noticed, and merely kept walking.

Meanwhile, Fred and George had just finished formulating their plan, and now just needed one random, unsuspecting, and, if at all possible, hot girl to walk by so that they could set it into action.

"Here, girly, girly, girly, girly, girly...where are you? Just walk in front of us and there won't be trouble...or...erm...less, as it were," George amended while Fred shook his head. To Fred, it seemed as though all of his sibling were original except for George. And Ron.

It Was then that a very unsuspecting Tonks walked by with her too-small Harpies T-Shirt. Fred and George pounced.

"What the f-MUPHHMUHFFLEMUFF!" Tonks splurted as the twins gagged her. She was not a happy camper, to say in the least. However, this did not bother Fred and George. On the contrary, they relished it. And so did the automatic censor.

"Where did you tell Charlie to meet us again, George?" Fred asked, after waiting for about an hour in the pre-arranged position. Tonks was busily snoring in the corner looking very tied-up. With rope, that is.

"Erm...here?" George asked/said, for his script said that he should say it quizzically. And should therefore be written with a question mark.

Then, just in time to shut up the annoying semi-narrator, Charlie arrived in all his drunkeness.

"Freeed! Georshe?" Chrlie slurred, bumping off walls like a true Gryffindor (cough, drunk, cough). The twins did simultaneous palm-foreheads at the same time, then began to push Tonks towards Charlie.

"Whazzat? Why're you waking me u-AAAHHpp," she yelled, then crashed into Charlie, "Oh, *censored*, I *censor*-ing HATE Mondays." She had realized who she had crashed into. Charlie merely looked blearily down at her, glanced at the mistletoe hanging above his head, and went in for the metaphorical kill.

**Charlie's P.O.V.**

-they bore him back home  
To the place that he'd known as a lad,  
They laid him to rest with his hat inside out...mmm...tongue

**Tonk's P.O.V.**

Damn, *censor*-ing Weasleys and their damn *censor*-ing mistletoe. *Censor* this. Ugh...he smells like Firewiskey. Hey, Firewiskey...mmm...

**No one's P.O.V.**

_Snap._

"RUN, FORREST, RUN!" Fred yelled, summoning the mistletoe and running for the common room.

"WHO'S FORREST?" George yelled back, the camera swinging around his neck as he followed. Fred did not see fit to answer and sped up. This was understandable, as Tonks was chasing them at speeds previously unreached by any humans or wizards alike.

And they all lived happily ever after (probably).

**Mwah. Mwwahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Hehehe. 8D Ahem. Okay, now that I'm done with my rant, you can sue me now. NOT!**

**-Miriflowers**

**P.S. ...suckers. *sniggers***


	8. Chapter 8: Dumbledore and McGonagall

**So you had to wait a month or two to get this chapter. What of it? It's so mind-buggeringly awesome that you must read it. And you shall. Oh, and by the by, this is the last chapter, because I'm feeling lazy today. Ta, ta!**

**Chapter 8: Dumbledore and McGonagall (Alternately; The Day the Headmaster went Insane)**

Silence, then a gentle rustling came from the back of the room. It was around mid-day on Christmas Eve, and the light hit the pile of discarded covers for the dramatic openings of assignments in the far left corner. Suddenly, a bright, shining blue eye opened, squinting in the light. It was then that the day began for Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.

Unfortunately for Professor Remus J. Lupin, however, not everyone knew that. The said professor, his lightly scripted forehead showing the signs of a night with much fighting of sleep, pattered down the stairs from his office in ratty slippers and a robe, scratching his head blearily and clutching his cup of coffee like a lifeline to the world. Yawning as he reached the end of the stairs, Lupin then reached for a pile of papers, only to be met with empty space. This did not deter him in the slightest, as he went on snatching at the same space until he frustratedly began to swat disjointedly at his desk, but to no avail. His powers of materialization-by-thought had not been completely mastered yet, and to add the the let-down, his attempts had yeilded nothing but the dreaded state known as _mess._

Now Lupin was not afraid of mess in the slightest, as he had been subjected to it many times before in his life, but, as he now observed, it was more inconvenient when you actually had to clean it up. This he could not endure.

"I really hate Mondays," Lupin muttered to his cup. He was then hit by the sudden need for lasanga, but he ignored it stubbornly and went on with his procrastination.

Little did he know that the headmaster was hovering above him in a large hamster ball of his own creation. Lupin then walked obliviously to another filing cabinet and began to helplessy shuffle things about for the illusion of productivity, in case a fellow teacher should appear. The headmaser followed, floating with all his might.

On and on this went until Dumbledore stared out the window too long at a passing squirrel and Lupin happened to look up.

"Agahagaaah!" Lupin screamed, dropping papers and his beloved coffee cup onto the floor in his haste to adopt a standing fetal position, which is only attempted by the bravest practitioners of the original. Dumbledore turned to him, the gazed at him unblinkingly. He then floated slightly closer while leaning towards his subject. Lupin glanced at his superior, then cringed back into his arms as to better protect his head from whatever was to come next.

"Life," Dumbledore mused, "is like a barrel of monkeys."

Lupin opened a quizzical eye.

"It's fun to take out, play with, and arrange its parts into small monkey-chains until the monkeys settle on world domination and proceed to swarm you. Then it's not fun," he finished wisely, petting his beard. Lupin dropped all pretenses and stared openly at the headmaster in shock.

"Time for afternoon tea!" chirped the headmaster as he rolled his hamster ball out the door, not hindered by Lupin's reaction.

Lupin shook his head and began to clean. At least _that_ was a mildly sane activity.

Minerva McGonagall strode down the hallway proudly, having just learned that her thesis on a certain element of Transfiguration had been accepted and published by the Board of Transfiguration. Her lips twitched into a smile as she thought about the look on her competitor's face. Albus had not been pleased. Suddenly, she paused in her leisurely stoll (that just happened to be very brisk), having heard a noise that was rather odd coming from around the corner. She shrugged and moved on.

Meanwhile, two very cramped twins looked out fromt heir hiding place.

"Well that really buggers the plan, doesn't it?" asked Fred, his hand sliding up his cheek, making him look vaguely like a chipmunk. Of course, vaguely in the vaguest sense of the word, as dictated.

"But...we can't just give up!" cried George, hopping up in stern determination, only to bump his head against the ceiling of the small broom closet. Fred glanced at him in a supremely sardonic way and snorted.

"Yes, Georgie, because you really can trap Dumbledore under the mistletoe when he's in a supremely large hamster ball. It makes such wonderful sense," he drawled, letting his head fall back onto the brick wall, then wincing. After a few seconds he spoke again.

"Besides, how could we get him out of the bloody ball, anyways?"

"We could vansih it," George said comfinently, "Yes...perfect...then we'd just need to...yes..."

Fred said nothing as he watched his twin pade in the darkness. George? Planning? Never.

o0o

"Yum, de, dum, yum, de, dum. Hoppity, hoppity, skippity, yum. Hop-de-skip-de-merrily-jump," Dumbledore muttered, padding around in his hamster ball, propelling it down a hallway. There was no stopping his plans now, for everything was going wonderfully. Wondefully, that is, until he saw his victim in the wrong place. Bad. Very, bad. He his behind a suit of armor that he had dubbed Sir Cumference. You might know his cousins, Sir Tainly, Sir Cumstance, and Sir Lee (the last one was rather rude).

Interrupting Dumbledore's maniacal ponderings, none other than Minerva McGonagall walk past his hiding place, only sparing a glance at the large, round orb hovering behind Sir Cumference's head. Then she paused, and looked back, blinking in shock.

"Albus?" she asked incredulously, then noticed that his gaze was drawn elsewhere. She looked up.

Consequently, a very ginger someone cackled evilly from inside a nearby broom closet, his twin looking on in apparent horror.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let the games...begin!" George muttered to himself, causing his twin to back away slowly. That day had gotten too weird.

o0o

It was nothing compared to the next five minutes, however, as Fred would continue to remind himself for the remainder of his days. For George had really made his plan well, and it was then that it came to fruition.

"Whaza," George whispered after he vanished Dumbledore's hamster ball, causing the headmaster to fall on his posterior. In a most dignified way, of course.

"So..." Dumbledore trailed off, standing up, "How have you been, lately, Minerva. I myself have been as happy and content as a promiscuous elephant."

Apparently, McGonagal liked promiscuous elephants.

**Albus's P.O.V.**

...That was sudden. Almost like that time in Azerbaijan...mmm...nevermind.

**McGonagall's P.O.V.**

Merlin, I just get so turned on by flippant elephants. Mmm...

**No One's P.O.V.**

George chuckled, taking the camera out of Fred's limp hands and taking the most priceless picture ever.

_Snap!_

Fred desperately tried to close his mouth, roughly resembling a goldfish of some sort, as the two professors detatched.

"Run?" George asked cheerfully as McGonagall began to draw her wand, vengefully drawing it out of her sleeve. Dumbledore smiled and forgot all about the plan to give mandrakes wedgies with their own roots.

Fred considered George's suggestion for only a second before replying in the affirmative.

"Genius, aren't you?"

"Glad you noticed."

**Happy Christmas to all! Cheers for the lovely ride (heh, yeah...no inuendo meant there). I wish you all the best that the holiday season has to offer, and STOP EATING THE FRUITCAKE! ...Dumbly's poisoned it.**

**-Miriflowers**

**P.S. XD That was priceless.**


End file.
